“I’ve been play it safe, hiding behind words, but the truth is I love God,” a woman of my acquaintance recently declared.Another friend looked thoughtful then said, “Since God is in you, you can only love God as much as you love yourself.”
Hmmmm.
I struggle to love my “self” – this little, challenged, earthy, personality called “Elena” - yet still experience an all-encompassing sense of love with… or through… or in “God.” But do I love God?
When I use the laughably inadequate, short hand expression “God,” I refer to an indescribably delicious, joy-bright-dancing-light glory-shout-alleluia core-still-certainty of being. This energy has the taste/feel/color/sensation of unlimited, unconditional “love.” And this love energy flows between, around and through all beings.
The whole energy field, “God,” is love, and that fills and surrounds each of us (and all other things). In fact despite appearances, all existence is a continuous field of that. Yet that - “God” - extends far beyond material existence.
From one view, that is an undifferentiated unity so the appearance of separate selves must be an illusion. Not nothing, yet without “things” - because in unity, there can be no selves. Because in unity there is just one - no “not-one.”
But from another view there are selves, or loci of identity, in the field. These selves, these loci, have identity because of their relationships to each other. To have an “I” means having a “not-I,” a “you.” Only relationship with you creates the “not-I” that confers my identity because only in relationship with you have I one characteristic and not another.
Without “you,” “I” truly can’t exist. Without you I also can’t love because “to love” I need a "you" from which and to which love energy flows. In relationship we can love, while our relationship creates our selves.
The thing is, I’m not sure I “love” God.
God is love. When I touch that (in me or outside me), I dwell in love. In fact, I am punch-drunk, exuberantly, assuredly, full-to-overflowing with love. I feel love flow in, through and all around me. This feeling of love escalates and clarifies in the presence of other selves that radiate love energy more unreservedly than I do.
One of those selves is Jesus. Embarrassing, but true. I love Jesus. And Jesus is God just as I am God and you are God and this chair is God - except he’s a lot less blurry. In that sense, I love God.
Still, do I love God, the field, itself?
Hmmmmmm.
* * * * * *
When I was a child, long before I began questioning the religion of my parents, I was terrified of not being good enough to be allowed into heaven. Every foul word, every dark thought, and every want or desire was another nail in my coffin, I thought. I would often ask myself if I loved God, and I would hesitate, then lie to myself that "of course I do..."
ReplyDeleteAfter I fell out with Christianity, I found myself asking the same question "Do I love God?" As I slowly came to know myself deeper and fully, the answer became a loud "Yes" ringing through my skull. I've tried to figure out what had changed... the only thing that really had changed is me.
For me, the relationship with God and my relationship with myself mirror each other... As above, so below. Without a loving and nurturing relationship with myself, I don't think I would be able to say that I love God. Perhaps your psychology is different than mine, and this doesn't apply to you, but I think this is what your friend was getting at.
Namaste
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ReplyDeleteHello, Elena,
ReplyDeleteDo you remember me, Adriano, from Portugal (adriano.centauroquiron@gmail.com ?...
When you are analyzing and questioning if you really love God, just remember it is your Mind "who" is trying to create another "Reality" ...
Mind acts like a "surgeon" of the Soul, and "she" cuts and designs a new Reality under her own control, not trying to understand (only Heart can understand the nature of the Deity) or accept or RECOGNIZE God.
Recognizing GOD is the first step of Loving and then such a process will succeed gradually. Loving doesn't happen suddenly, it has to do with a longer merging into Oneness.
After all, when MIND starts trying to explain this process, there's nowhere to go and you cannot exit the circle. But when MIND is already submitted to HEART, everything starts flowing ...
Your former friend from Portugal,
ADRIANO
John -
ReplyDeleteHow interesting. You changed and your perception of God also changed.
Truthfully, I did do a lot of work to change from completely self-loathing to fairly self-loving. Yet, from childhood, I perceived this joyous field of brilliant light in, through and around all existence - despite intense self-loathing. But I didn't have any sense of what "love" felt like, and didn't use that word in relation to the light.
Now I am a lot less judging of myself and others... and experience all this as love...
Isn't it interesting that if God were a vengeful, judgmental complier of transgressions, and we judged others as deserving God's condemnation, we must know - even if only buried deep in our hearts - that we aren't "good enough" and also deserve condemnation. So not judging others is necessary for experiencing God as unconditional love.
Adriano - How absolutely delightful to hear from you - especially since I've fallen off on the blogging of late. Not only am I busy pondering my relationship with the divine (grin) but I'm doing a student clinic after finishing a year of spiritual guidance training.
ReplyDeleteWell, I agree with you in one way but not in another.
Call it "mind," "ego," "personality," whatever, the earth part of us - the clay, the vessel, the "adamah" - yes, that part gets all busy and attached trying to figure out this and that of material reality. And the figuring out, itself, creates a barrier to actual perception.
And call it "heart," "soul," "true self," or whatever, another part simply touches God - because it is part of God - residing in wordless, explanation-less, understanding-less recognition... When one releases all these busy attachments, that part wells up and the earth part suddenly, simply KNOWS. And, yes, after that, the superficial, temporary nature of all the figuring out is apparent - not to mention the superficial, temporary nature of the mind/personality/clay part.
Still, my personal experience is that touching God feels like residing in love and being love, yet not like "loving." Hence the pondering. And being as how dancing in intellect produces a rush of creative joy EXACTLY like every other creative joy through which I am often opened to touch God... Well, I eagerly embrace the dance.
It is very interesting that you experience touching God as resulting from a gradual merger... For me, it feels more like a sudden fall. Yes, as I practice "using the muscle" of stepping out of my mind/personality/ego and residing in intuitive perception, this becomes a more constantly present state. Yet, I generally still drop into this state with sudden completeness.
Dear Elena, I also got kicked out of a Benedictine monastery. Meg Funk herself was a part of it. Long story as you might guess. We might have some things in common. My blog is at http://spiritflower.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteYour yahoo e-mail address doesn't seem to work. If you want to talk more, please send a good address to a comment on my blog. I moderate so it won't go out public. I'd like to share.
Peace, Laura
I came across your blog today. I admit I am not reading it, except for the one blog entry I found through google. I admit I shy away from those who claim Jesus and yet are not exclusivists. I believe in interdenominationalism, in all forms of Christianity. But I do believe that through a real relationship and belief in Jesus, not just a casual acknowledgement as so many Christians do and accept now adays, one is transformed. That Christianity is very different from all over religions...
ReplyDeleteBut I'm not here for that. I am simply here to say hello, to let you know that I found this blog and I prayed for you. Just a simple prayer "Lord, I pray for this woman". How, and indeed if (though I'm certain He will) He chooses to help you is up to Him.
I see that longing for God in you.
I did want to share a small story of my own. I grew up with a casual aquantaince with religion-- attended church and Sunday school regularly till I was seven, my parents moved, and we just stopped going. We'd moved from the NE America to the Bible Belt. I grew up with an identity as a Christian, but despising those I thought of as "Super Christians" who as soon would judge you as look at you. They were taught by their parents to run from anything secular, and not to open their minds, to the point where they revealed their ignorance daily. They were not who I wanted to be, but yet I did feel a bit of brethreness to them, because I did believe and love God, I believed.
When I was in 8th grade I had a spiritual experience I do not wish to share on so public a forum, but then a year or so later I had slipped into depression that claims so many teens and nearly committed suicide. The thing was, the day I nearly did it was the one and only day I openly and willfully denied my God-- not His existance, but just that I would follow Him. And I was brought lower than ever.
I went to college a few years later, and until then I'd never seen the connection of how God had saved me back then. I had turned back to God, immediately, but our relationship had not healed. But I met a beautiful and talented young woman who became my best friend. She was a passionate, if naive, Christian who took me to Bible study and even talked in tongues. She awoke a longing in me. We'd had a long conversation once and she was describing how God made her feel. I stared in shock. "You're in love with Him." I pronounced, stunned. She said it could be, but she'd never been in love with a man, so she wasn't sure. But I had been, and I was. What she was describing was being in love... and while I'd thought I loved God, I had never had that... I wanted that.
My story gets longer, and far more detailed, but I'll sum it up with this. About a year after that, I came with tears of joy to that friend and told her "I love Him! I love Him! I'm in love with God!" and we broke down in joyous laughter in each other's arms.
The post I read was the one I'm writing on now. I read some of the stuff on the side.
I was a religion major, and I've studied many different religions, all the major ones, some at depth. But I do not, and I cannot, accept universalism. Do I believe God loves us all? Yes. Do I believe God would accept us all, if we turned to Him? Yes. Do I even believe that God has mercy on those who weren't Christians in life? I believe so, yes.
But I also know that Jesus and God are one, in the same mystic way that the Church and Christ will be one (note I said 'will be' not 'are') and that rejecting Jesus's divine role is to reject God. I am not saying this about you-- I purposely did not read far enough to read that, because I don't want to know.
I believe God is Good, that is Goodness itself. All good things come from God. All. Those who do not accept God as He is-- which includes Jesus-- reject Him.
I do believe in Hell, but I did not for over a decade of Christianity. But I realize what Hell is now. It's not eternal punishment. It's simply the eternal lack of God, of all that's Good. And all that's left when All that's Good is gone, is All that is Evil.
But God does not condemn where lightly. He only grants the freewill of individuals who do not want to know Him.
Oh, dear. This turned much preachier than I meant it to. I hate confrontation.
I found your blog because I typed in "wandering nun" into google. Just in case you wanted to know. I am wondering if, for a time, not for life, I will take the true role of wandering nun. Me, God, a backpack, and a road. I'm going to go read WHY it was vilified before I make up my mind. It might not be the right path.
But it might be I was only driven to the thought because I was meant to discover your existence. After all, God adores you.
Oops, religion minor. And I am not a lifelong nun either... I realized you may have gotten that impression.
ReplyDeleteA note on why Benedict raved against wandering monks:
ReplyDeleteThis chapter, and attitude, is lifted from the Rule of the Master. Seems odd given the Gospel decree that the apostles do just that. So much has been written to explore and / or justify Benedict's (and the Master's) condemnation of same.
Doesn't make the attitude right, 'though. Could just be one of those places where personal experience, cultural attitudes or some bad practice prevalent in a specific culture pushed Rule makers into another kind of error - blanket condemnation of a practice that has spiritual value.
Singing Pilgrim, Thanks for your comment - and for your wonderful nom de plume. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou have so many interesting things to say, I can't speak to them all. We each have our own story that shows how we discover and experience the Beyond All Understanding - "God." So thank you for sharing yours.
And thank you for your prayers.
I agree with you that hell is the lack of a sense of presence of God. Many humans have no need to die and go anywhere to be in hell. They - and I for many years - reside in hell already.
If you did read this blog more you'd discover that my belief, such as it is, is entirely based on personal experience. The Jesus I have met, talked with, and now follow embraces all humans and all life - without exception. We are not all his followers, nor are we meant to be.
In this wide universe of umpteen planets circling umpteen suns with umpteen sentient beings experiencing the UNIVERSAL divine presence in umpteen ways - that divine expression in a single being - a man - born on one planet of one species CAN NOT be the sum total of ways to find, follow and accept God... NOT if God is universal.
So be it. In my experience of the Divine, diversity is a blessing, not a problem. Diversity is also a basic characteristic of God as God is made immanent in the material world. (So what is it with God and insects? Uncountable billions of species? And nematodes - even more billions?)
In divine diversity there is room for all experiences - even those that decry diversity.
Do I understand this? Or how what we humans experience as terrible suffering can exist in God and that God still be a field of absolute goodness and love?
Nope.
But I am a very small being with very limited sight. So I will end with a quote of that amazing mystic Julian of Norwich.
Through her direct experience of God, Julian saw that we humans cause our own suffering out of ignorance. She saw that sin has NO ultimate reality and there is NO BLAME in God. Confused by the discrepancy between this and Church doctrine on God's judgment, she plead for help. Jesus replied, “It is behoovely that there shall be sin, but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner [of] thing shall be well.”